Why You Crave Your Ex and its Linkage to Addiction, According to Science

It is a Friday night and you are home alone with a bottle of beer. You miss your ex so badly that your chest aches. You try to deny the thought of him/her but to no avail, and you catch yourself on Facebook, scrolling through your ex’s new pictures and status. You are totally aware that it would sound insane to contact him/her after all this time, but in a moment of human frailty you grab your phone and text him/her “I miss you”… SEND. You are exactly at a point of no return.

An hour passes and you still get no reply. You feel embarrassed, foolish and regret for sending that message. You start to create pity parties in your head asking yourself why you keep on reaching out when it only makes you suffer. Regardless how hard you try to hold it, you are simply impulsive, vulnerable and irrational like a junk addict craving for a fix.

Love is Like a Drug

This sounds ridiculously dramatic but not far from reality. A scientific study reveals that there is a psychological and physiological basis why a person aches for his/her past lover. Researchers have correlated rejection made by a romantic lover to a brain movement accompanied with addiction cravings. With the help of functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI), adult participants who were rejected by their former lovers but are still romantically in love with them, activated the key areas of their brain after viewing their ex’s photographs.

Specifically, researchers observed activation of orbitofrontal cortex that is accompanied by cravings/hunger, insular cortex associated with distress and ventral tegmental area which is reportedly responsible for romantic feelings. According to Dr. Lucy Brown, clinical professor in Albert Einstein College of Medicine, their findings suggest that romantic kind of feeling, regardless of circumstances, may be considered a natural addiction. Romantic kind of pain may be a necessary part of our life as nature has wired it into our physiology and anatomy. Emotional recovery, on the other hand, is in our anatomy too.

Are We Trapped by Biology?

Wanting your ex back may have scientific explanations but it does not disqualify the fact that it’s also a psychological matter, a behavior of ours that we have complete control of. Even if science tells us that your desire to reunite with a former lover after rejection is a natural thing, it is still your discretion to tolerate this addiction or not. In an article about creating successful relationships, written by a contributor of Go Magazine SG, teenagers were advised not to take rejection on a personal level.

“When we approach a potential partner, we have to say to ourselves over and over again, ‘No matter how this person reacts to me, I know I am a worthwhile person.’” (Jeffers 1992:93) If you have a good picture of your self-worth, it is still possible to live a satisfying life even after the love is gone. Just like heroin addiction, holding on to the past will leave you exactly right where you are—behind.

Dating Faux Pas: 6 Never-to-Discuss Things On a First Date

 

You may be an expert on politics and religion, but that’s not what someone you just met would like to talk a about. Here are a few more topics that are best avoided when trying to impress someone on a first date.

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  1. Me, Myself, and I

It’s essential to open up things about yourself on a first date. This will let your date know more about you and your interests. However, it’s also equally important to let your date talk about himself, too. A first date is like a ping pong match, where the conversation should go back and forth.

  1. Marriage and Kids

This is usually one of the topics that send the other person running in opposite direction. Although it’s fine to mention that you’d like to get married and have kids someday, your date isn’t interested in knowing the names you want for your future children or the theme you like for your wedding. Even if you feel that he/she is the one, keep the ‘commitment’ topic off limits.

  1. Low Self-Esteem Remarks

You’ve spent hours for doing your hair and makeup because you want to put your best foot forward—not your worst foot. Sure, we’ve all got something we don’t like about ourselves, but first dates aren’t the right time to highlight what we think are the worst in us. Remember that confidence is a turn on, so make sure you’re not ruining your own game by feeling bad about yourself.

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  1. Family Drama

Talking about family history is a good topic for first dates, but don’t mind including the family problems you once had or currently have in your family. Forget about sharing that Uncle John isn’t talking to your dad because of the surprise party he wasn’t able to attend. Save the family drama for another—and much later—date.

  1. The Exes

Really, nobody wants to be on a first date listening to someone talking about a terrible break-up with a recent ex. It’s okay to discuss a history of your past date (or dates), but keep it vague. Talking about your ex not doing this and that isn’t something your new date wants to hear. Leave the hate talks about your ex for a date with your girl friends with a big glass of wine.

  1. Religious and Political Beliefs

Do not even attempt to comment on a date’s religion or political beliefs, or even touch base on your own beliefs. Make sure to avoid any of these topics as this may only lead to a debate. It’s not romantic, you’ll see.

Keep in mind that after this date, you may not want a second date with the same person; so it would be smart if your date only knows a little about you. If ever you both want another date, that’s when you open up more interesting stories about yourself.

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The Dos and Don’ts of Online Dating  

Unless you’re working in a completely male milieu, your quest to meet the man of your dreams might take you to the bustling world of Internet. However, online dating isn’t as easy as you think. So, to exponentially increase your chance of getting a successful online dating experience, here are some of practical online dating dos and don’ts.

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Online Dating DOs

  1. Play Some Dating Game. Whether you like it or not, dating is game and you’ll need to play the game for you to get what you want. This means that you’ll need to accept that chase is always part of the courtship process in an online dating setting. If you find a profile that catches your eye, send him a friendly email, an icebreaker, or even just a flirty wink. If that person responds to you, then the game is on.

 

  1. Represent Yourself Honestly. Though it can be easy to misrepresent yourself when dating online, you’ll be more likely to succeed in your online dating venture if you’re honest about who you really are. As you should always represent yourself honestly, expect the same thing in return from anyone you’d meet online.

 

  1. Do an In-Person Encounter When You’re Ready. Once you’ve already established a comfortable rapport between both of you, it’s already time to take your online dating into reality. For your first face-to-face date, opt for an afternoon coffee drink instead of an after-dark activity to ease of any signs of anxiety.

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Online Dating DON’Ts

  1. Divulge Too Much Information Too Soon. Nobody is interested in reading a thesis-long information about you either on your profile, or on your initial email exchanges. It’s actually overwhelming for the other party and can be a total turnoff.

While it’s important to be open and friendly in the getting-to-know-you stage, it’s also necessary that you maintain a sense of mystery on yourself. Just share enough info about yourself to intrigue your prospective match, leaving him wanting for more.

  1. Never Lead Somebody On. This applies both for face-to-face and online dating. If someone you’re not interested with contacts you, never lead him on and just leave him hanging. Instead, send a short and thoughtful rejection from the start of your interaction.

 

  1. Never Jeopardise Your Own Safety. Your safety should always be your number one concern whether it’s online or real-life dating. Avoid giving away identifying information, and never agree to meet a complete stranger in an unfamiliar place. Your well-being and safety should be more important than pleasing a stranger by doing things that you feel are risky and unsafe.

Participating in an online dating site is not as bad as everyone thinks. Just make sure that you remain cautious of the person you’re dealing with and always put your safety as your top priority.

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Boys Talk: Invite a Date and Pay

Boys know that it is their time to shine whenever they ask woman a date and usually boys offer to pay the expenses of the date. Like a typical date, you go to a restaurant to have dinner. Make sure that you have money because in the first place, you are the one who invited the girl. However, if she lends you money for the payment; it is your decision to accept it.

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Normally, a man does this thing. Therefore, it is not appropriate to let her pay. The only excuse that you have is that when you are robbed few minutes before you meet. On the other hand, you cannot excuse anytime you want because the woman that you invited might be pissed off why you are cancelling your date.

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Always remember that date is a planned thing and you don’t have any excuse to postpone it except that there’s a family emergency. It also doesn’t matter if you reason out your personal matters in life because first and foremost, you planned the date. Making an excuse every time you invite a date is annoying and disrespectful.

What if somebody does it to you? What would you feel? Admit it or not, you will be expect and get hurt. You can’t deny the fact that you are expecting things to happen by the time that you are ready. Therefore, the best thing to do when you invited a date to a woman is to pursue it to happen.

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How a Person is Affected by Emotional Pain    

There are a lot of individuals who do not eat, drink and sleep once they’ve experienced a deep emotional pain. Also, they only think that suicide is the only answer to their problem. Yes, you can die as much as you want. But before you do that, try to ask yourself if your family will be happy for you if you die. Can you just think of that?

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Suicide is not the answer. You can’t escape the pain you feel. However, you can eliminate it. Although it is not as quick as you might want but if you are dedicated for it, then that pain will easily vanish. So how can you easily get rid of that pain? Any of your friends can actually help you cope up with the pain

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However, make sure that they are one of your best friends. Two things may happen if you will share your losing stage to the persons who are not close to you. One, they will only hear and listen to what you say but they will not care for what happen to you. Be careful with this people. They might gossip it to others and you might be in trouble.

On the other hand, you so-called friend will listen and do things which is not appropriate and might also get you in trouble. In reality, you should not share it to your friends. Consider sharing it to your best friends or maybe to your closest sister. But if you do not want those two individuals, you can go to your parents and burst out your feelings.

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Why Break Up Can Be the Best Thing for You  

Sometimes, it is a very painful when someone broke your heart without any clear reason. However, it is not a good idea to cry deep for this loss. Even if how many years or months you’ve spent together, it doesn’t mean that you need to cry all day and skip meals just because you are in love to the person.

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Actually, it’s the most stupid thing to do when you cry for someone you love but doesn’t deserve to be loved. The best thing to do in a break up is to be happy. Why? You need to be thankful because you are thinking of it so many times.

It doesn’t mean that you don’t have the right to stop your relationship but when you really don’t know how to break up to a guy, just wait for him to get bored with what he’s doing and then he will initiate a break up. It’s a dumb thing, right?

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But you have to do it because there’s nothing good that is happening in your relationship even if you do all the things that is good for your relationship. Defining a good and bad relationship is very easy. When you think that your ideas are contradicting, do not force wedding to happen. It’s either, you’ll get hurt or you will livea miserable life.

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